vie privée

like a virgin

i am this girl who just stepped into the big city from a small town. naive and holds to very few strands of self-esteem. wooed by a successful man who wants more companionship and intimacy than what he’s getting at home. it’s not just the sex.

“you can’t really have sex with someone you don’t have feelings for, right?”

that’s what he said. differed greatly than what’s written in his e-mails, and what’s his fetish’s like.

“you’d think i’m desperate, aren’t you? but it’s really not. i really enjoy being with you. it’s not all about when i’m going to bed you. that is something like… it’s nice to have, but not necessary.”

how is it going to be this time around? it’s been a few years and everyone’s marvelling at the fact that i managed.

i like him that much that i may end this spell with him. i tend to be vulnerable and strong at the same time.

what i like about you

to him, i make more sense compared to how old i am. when he asked questions, i answered it pretty plainly obvious, but in ways only one who has been through a lot can say.

to him, i am just very honest. and he likes it like that.

i would say he won’t like it if i thread my eyebrows. this, being concluded in something about the way he pointed out the mere fact that i dyed my hair brown. there was a hint of dislike. but i will not compromised my eyelashes. he told me to leave it natural, and i will so not. i will not stand it to leave it natural. it has to be brushed each time i am dolled up.

he likes to hold hands when we walk — and to me, being what we are, i hesitated a lot. i can always see the way he nonchalantly held out his hand which i never reached out. and so he will then take my hand himself.

holding hands is vey intimate, no? it means, i-just-can’t let-you-go. it speaks more than having his arms around my shoulder. or when he puts his arms around my waist. somehow, holding hands is much more intimate to me than anything else — besides the obvious.

“what else can i do? i can only hold you and grope. you won’t even let me kiss you when i asked. if you say so, so it is.”

i like this part, if i can call him being honest for this. ha-ha.

contemplating on the affair

i read it somewhere that one can have orgasm at work. you can do this while you are working, sitting there at your desk, eyes on the computer screen. multitasking. 

that’s the power of the brain. one side of it which always prompts you to put on some music so that it doesn’t bother the other side of the brain — can alternatively be occupied with some afternoon delight.

after i met him for that lunch, and whatever conversations we had — we bonded over sex experiences he had when he travelled and whatever i went through — i had orgasm at work.

it was a pretty crafty and detailed story, how we met — at a conference, venue: a swanky hotel in euro — dancing in very professional manner but flirting nonetheless, he asked for my hotel room number which i never tell, but he found out and appeared at the door as i led the masseuse out.

i would welcome him in and avoided his attempts with the excuse to take a bath — i like to present myself fresh and supple — after i stepped out of the shower, i saw him making a (fake) call, and i walked to the long table by the window, and all of a sudden he’s behind me —

and so i had it. twice. it is very potent, the mind. what is it or which/who is it controlling this body? you thought you are controlling the mind, but isn’t it ironically the mind that is arranging your thoughts?

membership to the underworld

i talked about this from one person to another. subconsciously i don’t deny i may have been asking for permission. but this is not what i want. like one of the guys said it, “you are not at any dilemma to seek permission. you know this. and you don’t have to go there. i don’t want that for you.”

when i talked about it i was waiting to see what i didn’t see, what i overlooked, what i may have missed out. i am bored and this is for the sake of adventure. filling up the empty spaces for some thrill. wondering how to run the show. having a second go but this time differently, especially since i have the upper hand.

maybe this is what is good for me. i know myself easily consumed and dependent once i found someone. i make my world revolves around him and i forget to live. i will soon abandon my friends, will not work and get easily grumpy with the family.

it’s shitty to say i’m looking at the positive sides. i will say that i am taking advantage out of this. that i can coach myself to be strong when i am with someone. i am invicible only when i am alone but i am easily breakable like a toothpick once i found someone. this must not repeat itself. even though ironically what i’m going through now is a repetition and something i swore i won’t do. ever.

whatever.

he’s a busy man. a very, very busy man. i know the stakes whenever i am with him. i should know that he is not the man i’m going to end up with. i should know how to take care of myself.